Some days, this job seems too easy. When I saw the following headline from the AP this morning, a blog entry pretty much wrote itself:
"Man sues JetBlue for making him sit on toilet"
Oh, how the sarcasm did gallop freely through my mind, a veritable parade of cheap jokes and witty one-liners ("JetBlue debuts 'Golden Throne' seating class;" "Man gets best (and worst) seat on JetBlue;" etc.). I figured this would be the easiest entry yet. And then I read the story, and things got a little wacky.
The man in question, Gokhan Mutlu, of Manhattan, alleges JetBlue forced him to sit in the lavatory after his seat was given to a flight attendant. Apparently a flight attendant complained that the jump seat was uncomfortable, and the pilot gave the flight attendant Mutlu's seat instead. Mutlu was then assigned to the bathroom, where he sat for roughly three hours (cue the Gilligan's Island theme song in my head…).
Further complicating this story is that Mutlu was traveling on a "buddy pass," a standby voucher JetBlue employees can give to their friends. So technically, Mutlu was not a paying customer, which I suppose could, in some twisted way, invalidate his claim to a seat.
In this era of rampant and frivolous lawsuits, it's difficult to separate fact from fiction, so I don't want to come down too hard on either side of the story. That said, if an airline ever evicts you from your seat, you could do worse than the restroom as a fall-back option. Sure it's small, unsafe (no seat belts!), and—well, let's just say it's a bathroom.
Yesterday, Southwest Airlines announced a new addition to its beverage lineup. The low-cost carrier is now offering Monster Lo-Carb energy drink aboard its flights. I salute Southwest for trying to offer passengers more in this era of cutback, and I’m all for more choices when I’m flying, but I’m not sure I want to be strapped into a seat for hours on end with a plane full of people guzzling energy drinks. In my mind, energy drinks are the domain of software developers, extreme athletes, and club kids. At least Southwest had the common sense to charge $3 a pop for this beverage, so as to hopefully diminish the chances of any said flight turning into an after-hours rave and/or long-haul Java programming session. But I’m still concerned.
Let’s consider for a minute Monster’s tagline: “Release the Beast.” Let’s also consider what Monster has to say about this drink on its site: “We went down to the lab and cooked up a double shot of our killer energy brew. We hacked out carbohydrates and calories, transplanted the wicked buzz and dialed in the flavor. Lo-Carb Monster energy still delivers twice the BUZZ of a regular energy drink, but only has a fraction of the calories.” My prediction? Disaster.
I can just see Johnny-guy-next-door buckling in next to me, ordering a Monster Lo-Carb, and proceeding to tell me in great detail all about his wicked killer idea for a movie. Great. Enter Samuel L. Jackson in his new release, “Energy Drinks on a Plane.” Oh Southwest, thanks for trying.
Have you ever gone out on a sunny spring morning without your jacket, only to realize how cold it really is? Now you have an inkling of what the paper tickets at Delta are feeling. The airline has decided to stop issuing ticket jackets altogether, leaving countless poor plane tickets with the chills and potentially jeopardizing the health of who knows how many more.
I, for one, am outraged. Who's going to stand up for the little guy here? Is this really any way for a civilized society to treat its plane tickets, which have taken us all over the world for more than a century? By ripping off their only clothing and pretending they'll be just fine without any outer layer at all?
Oh sure, Delta will say it's eliminating wasted paper so as to cut costs, and isn't it better for the environment, and 97 percent of travelers use e-tickets anyway, blah, blah, blah. That logic might fly down at corporate headquarters in Atlanta, but in the real world, we know that food, clothing, and shelter are basic human needs. Are we to deny paper tickets their humanity by stripping them of item number two from this essential list? Are we really prepared to go that far?
Let's take a step back here. Maybe Delta will listen to reason. Maybe it isn't too late to remember how cold it can get in some of the destinations these tickets may find themselves. Each of us can do our part. If you're in a knitting group, consider donating your time to create tiny woolen jackets for needy tickets. If you have carpentry skills, a simple pine box would at least keep tickets out of the wind. Got a voice? Sing a protest song in support of ticket rights.
The future (and possibly a fully-clothed plane ticket) is in your hands.
In a bold move, American Airlines is soliciting opinions from its paying customers so the carrier can offer a better flying experience. The topic here is in-flight entertainment, and American has set up a website that allows people to vote on movies that will be shown in the main cabin. Of course, the process is a bit clunky, so I'll just paste the details here:
"Selection of movies must be done at least 60 days prior to a movie playing on board. The polling will be open for seven (7) days each month."
So basically you need to show up roughly two months before you fly, and within the unspecified seven days of that month. Good luck!
All kidding aside, it's nice to have an airline making decisions based on customer input (because Lord knows none of us asked for pay-as-you-go sandwiches, right?). To save AA some trouble, however, I've compiled a list of 10 movies that should never be shown on an airplane, no matter how many people vote for them. Here they are:
Surely, this cannot really be on the list! (And don't call me … oh, I can't do it). However, a movie about inept pilots, stewardesses, and air traffic controllers doesn’t exactly inspire confidence when you're soaring above the clouds. That said, of all the movies that will follow on this Top 10, Airplane! is one of the few I'd like to watch. By the way, is there anyone onboard who knows how to fly a plane?
Maybe a plane full of dudes would want to watch this, but a plane full of regular people would likely rather skip this steamy Kim Basinger/Mickey Rourke travesty. This is about as inappropriate as it gets, on so many levels. Hide the kids!
Let's repeat the title, slowly: Snakes. On. A. Plane. If you're on a plane, what do you typically not want on the plane with you? Snakes! And this movie. Awful.
This Ray Liotta/Lauren Holly "film," about a stewardess who must fly a plane overrun by criminals, fend off a maniacal serial killer, and get to L.A. in time for Christmas, was nominated for a "Worst Reckless Disregard for Human Life and Public Property" Razzie in 1997. Sadly, it lost to…
Or, more likely, it lost to Nicholas Cage's flowing mane of greasy brown hair, which was in full effect for this one. Was John Malkovich hard up for cash when this script landed in his mailbox?
This movie should not be shown anywhere, at any time, for any reason, and least of all on an airplane full of people. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it.
Toss-up here, as both have the "stranded on a remote tropical island" vibe going on. Take your pick: Tom Hanks, in a shaggy beard, talking to a volleyball; or lots of generally good-looking folks, mysteriously absent shaggy beards, and a killer smoke monster. Either way, that's not a decision you want to be making at 35,000 feet.
This bizarre Stephen King TV miniseries involves a plane that flies through a time rift, which essentially vaporizes anyone not sleeping at the time. Then the plane lands in Bangor, Maine, which is deserted, and where the food has no taste, the soda no fizz, and so on. Then the Langoliers come, whatever they are, and it's all downhill from there. Again, not at 35,000 feet, thanks, and probably not ever.
1. Nightmare at 20,000 Feet
This episode of the Twilight Zone was later remade in the movie version of the classic TV show, but the original, starring William Shatner, is where it's at. We all know the famous line, and we all know how silly the concept is, but we also all know we've looked out the window more than once and, deep in the darkest recesses of our mind, wondered if there was something on the wing.
So, what movie would you never want to see while in flight? Use the comment field below and add to the list!
(Photos: Internet Movie Poster Awards, Badpopcorn)
Readers, you’ve come to expect colorful, off-beat travel coverage from your pals here at the BookingBuddy blog. You hardly batted an eye when I shared with you the various forms that nude vacations (or nakations) are taking these days. Just another day at BookingBuddy HQ.
Well, it looks as if the New York Times wanted in on the action, because in Sunday’s travel section, up popped a piece about nakations! (And in the Times piece was a quote from Tom Mulhall, owner of the Terra Cotta Inn in sunny Palm Springs … the very same Tom Mulhall that was kind enough to comment on my previous nakations post!) Hello nakations, we’re glad you’re back!
The Times reported that nude vacations are on the rise, especially in the high-end sector of the business. There’s the $300 per night all-inclusive Hidden Beach Resort in Mexico. They even have a nude disco, which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “shake your booty.” There’s the Sea Mountain Inn resort and spa located in Desert Hot Springs, California, that runs up to $900 per night (no single men allowed!), and even luxury cruise lines participating in no-clothes cruises. What’s next, a clothing-optional condo resort? Check. Welcome to Mira Vista, near Tucson, Arizona, where you can get a two-bedroom condo from $244,500. I’m sure the views are worth every penny.
Apparently the nakations are here to stay. Whether you’re young or old, prefer land or sea, are straight or gay (yes, there’s a gay-only naturist group ), your next vacation could be a nakation. A high-end, luxury nakation. With lots of sunscreen.
Look at the calendar, my friends—it ain't April Fool's Day. A Market Metrix survey of 35,000 combined visitors to both cities shows that people prefer Atlantic City to Las Vegas, albeit by a slim margin. A.C. edged out Sin City in overall customer satisfaction, as well as "emotion scores," which measure seemingly unquantifiable attributes such as how sophisticated and hip/cool each city is. Atlantic City was considered to be a far greater value, which is probably the source of most of its appeal.
I can't help but feel a little befuddled here. I grew up in Jersey, and I've been to Atlantic City a number of times, though admittedly not in years. I recall, however, a prevailing feeling of shabbiness, and what I remember most is seeing bus after bus unloading retirees from the northern suburbs. Not exactly hip and cool, right? Vegas, on the other hand, is a nonstop circus of over-the-top debauchery and glamour, even if the latter is mostly superficial.
That said, Atlantic City has changed a great deal in the past five or seven years. New hotels such as the Borgata have classed up the place, bringing in celebrity chefs and popular acts like Sheryl Crow and Eric Clapton (and Paul Anka, but who's counting?). Conversely, Vegas is creeping toward overkill (which, for Vegas, is saying a lot), with mega-hotel after mega-hotel rising up like a bad poker player's debt.
I turn to you, my fair readers, for some insight here. Help a lost blogger make sense of this. Is Atlantic City, tucked away in stinky (but loveable) New Jersey, really preferable to the glitzy, elegant, celebrity-magnet kingdom of Las Vegas? Post your comments below!
Ahh to be whisked through the airport by trained flying aces instead of standing on a 2.5 mile-long security line in my tennis socks holding a quart-sized bag crammed full of three -ounce bottles of lotion. That would be heavenly. Clearly readers know that I have delusions of grandeur when it comes to travel. Stars of course get this treatment all the time, as was recently highlighted in The Wall Street Journal article. Airline workers admit that there are "special service" staffers that escort VIPs through airports to waiting planes or limousines. Heck, they even say that there are special rooms, some hidden behind unmarked doors adjacent to gates, reserved for said important travelers. I like to imagine that accessing these special rooms is a lot like getting into secret rooms in old castles and such. Perhaps Posh and Becks know to lean on just the right spot of grey wall paneling and voila! The door is open! Maybe Ms. Aniston simply picks up the red emergency phone that none of us mere mortals would be brave enough to touch and she is spun into a secret lair just next to the gate. Who knows, and frankly, who among us will ever be able to find out? Apparently two private firms, Airport Assistance Worldwide and LJR & Associates (adding to the mystery, they have no website!), offer these types of specialty whisking services for surprisingly reasonable prices. Scrape up $100 or so and you can feel like a celebrity. Without the paparazzi, of course.
With airlines wringing money out of passengers like water from rain-soaked wool socks, it was most encouraging to stumble upon Delta's plan to create new, more commodious airplane seats for coach class.
What? No more feedlot fun with 200 of your closest strangers? No more olfactory guessing games about which of my seatmates had the onion soup for lunch? No more need to request an annulment from the guy in the middle seat if I want to use the bathroom?
According to
dvice, the new seats are called "fixed cocoons" and will be installed in Delta's Boeing 767 and 777 economy-class sections by 2010. The unique shape and position of these seats will let you rest your head to the side without fear of drooling on your neighbor's shoulder. The staggering of the seats means the dude behind you won't be tempted to employ the Knee Defender to counter your recline. Heck, there's even a footrest, not to mention space for all to exit.
This might just be the best news to come out of the airline industry since JetBlue started offering DirecTV.
United is the latest major U.S. carrier to add new fees, but it's hardly alone. Airlines have been boosting prices left and right over the past year or so, ostensibly to offset record fuel prices, to the point where flying is ordering from an a la carte menu. Checking a second bag? That will cost you. Want a sandwich on the plane? Better have your credit card. Want a window seat? Pony up the cash, brotha!
By all appearances, however, it would seem the airlines have run out of items or services for which they can tack on additional gouges (did I say gouges?).
Note I said seem that way.
It would not be at all shocking to this industry satirist to see airlines begin charging for the most fundamental components of the flying experience. When you think about it, charging for seat cushions, seat belts, and overhead storage would be sure-fire moneymakers for the airlines. After all, who’s going to sit through a cross-country flight without a seat cushion?
I know it may be dangerous to make these suggestions, lest a bold airline exec take them seriously, but here are some more basic services to which the airlines could attach fees:
A cover charge for physical entry onto the plane: I'm imagining a burly, sunglass-wearing club bouncer standing behind a velvet rope. Of course, there's no band behind the airline door, no pomegranate martinis, no comfy lounge areas, and certainly no hot dating scene—okay, there's nothing particularly appealing about the inside of a plane at all. Unless…
You pay a charge for polite treatment from flight attendants. They're generally pleasant, cheerful folks, but you have to wonder how many of them are faking it. Who can blame them? They deal with rude passengers, long flights, and night after night in unfamiliar hotel rooms. They probably deserve an extra $20 to be nice to people.
Bathrooms: The final frontier. I feel horrible even mentioning this, as if I were releasing some deadly virus into the air, but wouldn't charging for bathroom access be the pinnacle of airline nickel-and-diming? And with the recent reversal of a New York State passenger bill of rights, it's clear that the government doesn't exactly have our backs either. I have to imagine this will never, ever happen.
So, what do you think the airlines can charge us for? Add your comments below, but remember—the airlines read our blog every day (Seriously! Don't laugh!) and they're always looking for new revenue sources. So if you suggest charging for a personal floatation device … well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Seasoned travelers that we are, Team BookingBuddy decided to regale you with our five worst flight experiences. So fasten your safety belt and stow your carry-on, here they come.
5.) We’ve all heard that luggage can arrive at a different destination than you do, so when I heard that one of our team members had to go pick up his checked bag at an alternate terminal at his home airport, I didn’t think much of it. Until he mentioned that the bag he was getting was full of heavy tools related to the propane trade (don’t ask). Then I felt sympathetic. A bit. Then he added that due to airport construction, the terminal was only accessible by walking roughly two miles … outside. In 90-plus degree heat. Did I mention the heavy tools? Ick.
4.) Returning from one's honeymoon is definitely a big reality check. No more la-la land, no more signing drink charges to a room number; it’s time to get back to the real world. This change of scenery is bad enough, but made even worse when your flight is late and you have a connection to make. And when said late flight then sits on the tarmac at your arrival destination for more than an hour, panic sets in. Our fearless BB team member was then stuck running through Miami International, making it through customs in record time, only to be confronted with the Great Wall of China that is Miami International’s security line. Luckily this woman is a fast thinker and quickly relayed her sad tale to the agent working the first-class line and voila, she and new hubby were whisked through security quickly. After a refreshing sprint from security to gate, they arrived in time to see standby passengers sitting … in their seats! At this point, the new Mrs. let fly with what she describes as a “stream of profanity.” Unfortunately, the newlyweds spent their first night back from their honeymoon at the airport hotel. They did get to fly home the following morning, but all their saved-up honeymoon relaxation was gone like yesterday’s pina colada.
3.) We’re lucky enough here at BB Headquarters to be taken on a yearly team trip. This year’s destination was fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. A good time was had by all. But since all good things must come to an end, we eventually had to board planes back to H.Q. With lots of team members on the same flights home, a whole contingency of BBers were treated to a very, ahem, gassy passenger. For five hours. Straight. Apparently no matter where you sat, you were a victim. Horrendous.
2.) A frightened colleague told me about the time his flight into JFK had to pull up at the last second just before landing. This has happened to yours truly many times, so admittedly I wasn’t too impressed. Until he went on to say that the plane had to pull up to avoid hitting a fuel truck that had suddenly pulled onto the runway. Right in front of his plane. This is tied with the time another teammate sat on his plane at O'Hare and watched the de-icing truck currently working on his plane begin to smoke and then finally go up in flames. He could see employees on the tarmac running frantically from the scene, but his plane didn’t budge. The truck was fully engulfed in flames as they finally pulled away from the jetway. Hopefully the heat from the fire de-iced them adequately.
1.) I recently had the experience of sharing a row with a very tiny woman and her very, very large husband. Kind of Jack Sprat-ish in reverse. I was window, she was middle, he was aisle and half of middle. This in and of itself does not a story make, until shortly after takeoff when Tiny starts to berate her husband for drinking too much. Uh-oh. I’m trapped! Apparently the Tanqueray he’s pouring down his throat has some deafening affect, because he does a good job of not hearing her. And then she starts in on his diabetes and how he’s killing himself. And how she called the office last week to learn from Mr. Big’s secretary that he couldn’t come to the phone as he was currently passed out in his office. At this point Big roars to life and grabs Tiny by the face and tells her to shut up. At this point I also have come to the conclusion that I need to go to the bathroom. Badly. Waiting as long as I can I finally tell Tiny that I need to be excused to use the ladies' room. When she passes this info on to Big, he smirks and barks at her “I don’t know how the (expletive) she thinks she’s going to do that.” Rut row. Of course this wasn't some short-haul flight, and I was treated to much more colorful dialogue and bouts of Tiny staring wistfully at pictures of her little white dog for the duration. When we finally landed it was all I could do not to climb across laps and seats to get off of that plane.
Have you had a bad flight experience? Please tell us about it by clicking on the comment link below!
Some days, this job seems too easy. When I saw the following headline from the AP this morning, a blog entry pretty much wrote itself:
Ahh to be whisked through the airport by trained flying aces instead of standing on a 2.5 mile-long security line in my tennis socks holding a quart-sized bag crammed full of three -ounce bottles of lotion. That would be heavenly. Clearly readers know that I have delusions of 
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