The Seven Wonders of Indiana Jones

Posted May 29, 2008 by Nicki Krawczyk

Throughout the 20th century, there was one man who dared traverse the world in search of adventure and glory. One man whose lust for lost antiquities knew no bounds. One man who single-handedly saved the world from Nazi and then Soviet domination. And one man who could switch without a care from brunettes to blondes and then back again.

That man was Dr. Indiana Jones.

In today’s blog entry, the second in our occasional series, we will explore the Seven Wonders of this renowned adventurer, professor of archeology and globe-hopping gadabout. Read on and explore the marvelment.

7. Crystal Skulls

Obviously, it’s no mystery as to why these (completely real) artifacts are hotly pursued and ardently collected. Those with a penchant for potential paranormal powers, not to mention pretty sparkly things, have more or less locked up the market. The mystery, instead, is where and when they came from. Are they from ancient Aztec or Maya civilizations? Did they originate, instead, in19th-century Europe? Or, are they from some strange race of glass-jawed people that managed to avoid head trauma to leave their crystals skulls for us to find? Could it be that we actually all have crystal skulls but science has kept it a secret because they don’t want us cracking people open just to have a look? I have no answers, only more questions.

6. Area 51

Located in a remote portion of southwest Nevada, Area 51 (technically: Air Force Flight Test Center (Detachment 3)) is one of the U.S. Air Force’s most-secret sites. Supposedly, this airbase is used to test experimental aircraft and weapons systems. I put this to you then: Why not just let me in to take a look? Though I did once steal bubblegum when I was six, I currently have no domestic or international criminal contacts. If it’s just planes and stuff, why not let me in to verify that it’s just planes and stuff? And yet, all of my letters of request have yielded no response. It should come as no surprise, then, that people all over the world speculate that the government is not actually testing planes, but instead, poking around in UFOs and alien brains. Based on my experience, I am inclined to agree.

5. Ruins of Petra

In Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade Dr. Jones and his dad, Dr. Jones, tracked the Holy Grail to this amazing rock-cut architectural phenomenon in Jordan. Personally, I find this a little obvious. If I were going to hide the Holy Grail, I think I’d bury it in a vat of ice cream with an unpopular flavor, like Pralines and Cream, and stash it in the stock room of a Des Moines Dairy Queen. I’m certain no one would ever find it there. All of which leads me to this Wonder’s big question: How does the current mortgage crisis affect cave-housing? I simply do not know.

4. Catacombs of Venice

Once again, we return to the Third Installment. In Last Crusade,” Dr. Jones the younger and a foxy-yet-Nazi Dr. Elsa Schneider search the catacombs of Venice where Dr. Jones the elder was last seen. Okay, interesting. Now, here’s where the wonder comes in: According to the “Venetians,” there are no catacombs under Venice. “What?” you cry, “what?” It’s true. Upon reflection, it does kind of make sense that a city built on a seawater lagoon might have trouble keeping underground chambers dry and cozy, but that only presents us with a bigger wonder: Where was Indy and how did he get there? Was he drugged by Nazi thugs, transplanted to real catacombs in Rome, and told he was in Venice? And if so, why? I suspect that all will be revealed in the Fifth Installment, Indiana Jones and the Secret of Why We Said There Were Catacombs in Venice.

3. The Rope Bridge Outside Pankot Palace

Perhaps the biggest takeaway we receive from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is that, while India can be lovely, cults are just no fun. The second movie in the series sends Dr. Jones, nightclub singer Willie Scott, and sidekick Short Round (who was short, but not round) from gangster-infested Shanghai to Thuggee-infested India. As you’ll recall, our heroes are tasked with eating monkey brains, defeating a Kali-worshipping cult, keeping their hearts from being ripped out by Mola Ram and his sternum-piercing fingers and, finally, freeing the village children, who had been imprisoned as minor-miners to dig for the last Shankara stone. Phew. Then, as if all that weren’t tough enough, Indy et al are forced to cross a rickety old rope bridge outside the young prince’s Pankot Palace. And that, of course, leads me to my question: What kind of lousy engineer builds a rope bridge outside a child’s house to cross a gorge? In the States, we call that gross negligence. Therefore, if you’re heading to India, I suggest that you not partake of their rope bridges in boycott, and, instead, bounce over to South Africa to ride the world’s longest zip-line. So much safer and more socially responsible.

2. Kate Capshaw

She’s a looker, it’s true. But the question remains: How did Ms. Capshaw beat out 120 other actresses to land the role of Wilhelmina “Willie” Scott, lounge singer and shrieker-extraordinaire, opposite the esteemed Harrison Ford in Temple of Doom? I’m cheating with this one—there’s no wonder here. In 1991, Capshaw wed Indy director Mr. Stephen Spielberg. And, um, there’s no real wonder why she didn’t do much acting after that, either … Ahem, I mean, because there’s no way to top being in an Indiana Jones movie.

1. Harrison Ford

Perhaps the Ark of the Covenant conferred immortality. Maybe the blood of Kali Ma functioned as an elixir of eternal youth. There’s a chance that Sean Connery passed on his secrets for Dreaminess in an Advanced State of Gray. Or, it could be that bullwhip-wielding is just an insanely good cardio workout. But the question remains: Just how is it that Harrison Ford is still able to leap and cavort and save the world? Frankly, I don’t know. But we’ve reached the end of our wonders, so I’ll tell you what I do know, namely, that a.) all of these questions should make up for cheating on Wonder #2, and that b.) Dr. Indiana Jones aka Mr. Harrison Ford, 65-year-old World Traveler, Adventurer, and All-Around Debonair Guy, is still millions of otherwise grown-up and responsible peoples’ secret hero. And that in itself, is, you know, kind of wonderful.

(Photos: crystal skull, British Museum, blogowogo.com; Area 51, lazygranch.com; Petra, carolynbrownphotographer.com; catacombs, updatecenter.britannica.com; rope bridge, www.chez-nousbb.co.uk; Kate Capshaw, movieactors.com; Harrison Ford, blogadeur.com/)

Categories: Travel