Posted May 27, 2008 by Carl Unger
In honor of Frontier's increased fee for carry-on antlers (yes, of the formerly-attached-to-an-animal variety), I thought it would be fun and productive to think of five items you wouldn't want to see falling out of someone's carry-on:
5. Scorpions Paging Samuel L. Jackson: We have a sequel. Not only are these things creepy, but they're deadly. Trust me, you don't want to be sitting near the guy trying to smuggle these aboard.
4. A dossier with your name on it Imagine you're sitting there, snug in your aisle seat, and suddenly a manila folder hits the floor with a slap. You glance, curious, and notice that your name is on the tab—and your driver's license photo is paper clipped to the folder! A menacing, straight-faced man in sunglasses, someone you've never met, reaches down and picks it up. You wonder: Are your bills paid up? Did that bitter ex-girlfriend finally track you down? Are you seeing things? Thankfully, you now have the next five hours of your cross-country flight to think about it.
3. A parachute What does this passenger know that you don't? Imagine the conversation that would ensue if a parachute fell out of someone's carry-on during the boarding process:
Parachute owner: "Er, excuse me, could you pick that up for me please?"
You: "Glady, sir. My, this is colorful fabric. Some sort of celebratory clothing?"
Parachute owner: "No, it's a parachute, actually."
At this point, all you'd be thinking about is whether or not you could grab your magazine and roll-aboard and sprint off the plane in five seconds or less. If your first impulse is to give the passenger the benefit of the doubt and politely ask what the parachute is for, you're a better person than I am.
2. Raw fish, no ice
If the parachute doesn't get you off the plane quickly, this should.
1. Any part of a dead human being Remember a couple of years ago when baggage screeners found a human head in a woman's luggage? And the skull still had teeth and bits of hair and skin on it? I don't think the head was in her carry-on bag, but even so, let's just go ahead and say that no part of a deceased human should ever be introduced to the passenger cabin of an airplane. So there you go. If you happen to see one or more of these items falling, slipping, or otherwise protruding from someone's carry-on, run! If you think there's something scarier than any of these, let me know in the comment section below. And then run again!
(Photos: Animal-World, Y'shua Parachute Rigging)
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